Tuesday, December 20, 2005

"Run of the Mill" Night

So tonight I got a haircut. For most normal people this isn't that big of a deal. However, most of my memorable life I have been getting a haircut from my sister. (there was once a time during an internship in North Carolina when I got my haircut from a large black man with a very high voice in a Supercuts; that turned out very poorly) So my parents and I make appointments to go up to my sister's together. That means I run up to my parents place (which is 20 minutes away) and then we all go up to my sister's together, which is another 20 minutes away (and about 40 minutes away from my place). So it's a big ordeal.

Well, today was a special case of all of that because my mother spent most of the day with my sister baking Christmas cookies. This means dad and I met at my parents' place and then headed up together to get our haircuts, eat some pizza, and pick mom up.

There's another twist to all of this too. Early tomorrow morning I go to see a surgeon about my shoulder (torn labrum, we think) and mom insists on going in her own cute way. She started asking if I wanted her or dad to go with me. I said no, and I said it many times. I knew she wanted to go; with everything going on with everyone else, I thinks he's worried about all of this stuff. Plus, I have never had to go through surgery. Anyway, she hoped I would say yes... and eventually she just insisted on meeting me there. So rather than dealing with all of that, I decided to just stay over at my parents' and us go togethe rin the morning. At least that way I have a fool proof alarm clock. (funny thing is I think we'll drive separate so I can have lunch with a friend who I haven't seen all week who I owe at least a lunch; he's leaving for break late Wednesday)

ANYWAY, at this point I'm way out at my parents place and plan to sleep there. I get a voicemail from a friend (the same one who I owe at least a lunch) saying that he and Matt (his roommate) are going to some bar in Hilliard. I call him back to see what's up. He's at the "Run of the Mill Tavern" in Mill Run. I know where that is, so I head out there hoping to leave early enough to get some sleep before seeing the doctor in the morning. Keep in mind that Mill Run is a long way away too, and I am not excited about any of this, but I wanted to see George (the friend) before he leaves because I kept saying I'd do something with him and he's leaving Wednesday.

So I head out there.. I get there pretty late... and I find it's a SMOKING BAR! Now, don't get me wrong, I am completely into the battle for civil liberties that is the opposition to anti-smoking legislation. However, that being said, I *do* like begin in smokeless bars. So I'm upset about this, and I known George is upset about this.

So how did George and Matt end up here? Well, earlier today George needed a ride from Tuffy after dropping his car off. I couldn't do that because I was heading to my parents' place, so he called his roommate Matt. Matt suggested they go to this "Run of the Mill Tavern" in Mill Run. Matt wanted to go with a guy who he used to work with. So I meet the three of them there. They're about to do a Jager shot () in front of a pitcher of Blue Moon. The guy I don't know looks like someone who just got let out of prison. He's clinically unhappy.

Now, Matt has a tendency of telling a lot of stories because he's GROSSLY insecure about himself. However, we all deal with it. We all just sit and listen and nod. What else can we do? So Matt is explaining to George how he has a high tolerance for pain and how this involves his history of wrestling in high school and how a guy he coaches (he coaches a middle school wrestling team) has damaged his knee during practice... And this new guy cuts him off to say something like, "You guys want to go to Vanity?" Matt stops what he is saying, hoping for acceptance, and says, "Yeah!"

At this point I forgot what Vanity is. It takes me a while and then I realize it's the place that used to be called "Pure Platinum." It's a ritzy looking (on the outside) 18-and-up BYOB strip club that charges $20+ to get in to see all-naked women. (It's BYOB in order to be all-naked. They also have a downstairs they used to call the "shower room" that you could spend $150 an hour to visit... Yes, they have been busted for prostitution. It's right next door to "Columbus Gold," a "reputable" 21-and-up strip club and bar) I explained to this guy how Vanity has to be BYOB to be nude because serving alcohol comes with a requirement that girls wear bottoms and pasties, to which he responded "I miss Vegas." You see, apparently has hasn't been in Columbus long. He kept talking about "seeing some titties" and how he used to "see some titties" in Vegas all the time.

Of course, insecure Matt is all into this. I can tell that the look in George's eyes says that he's not interested in any of this. There is a point that most (educated?) guys get to where the thought of a strip club simple does not excite them. I think this is related to the point where women who have their first child after 30 tend to raise a much more productive child. Anyway, after this point guys have "bachelor parties" that involve a bunch of guys going on a vacation doing something like fishing or hiking rather than getting together in a cramped apartment watching strippers fire ping pong balls at guests... I'm pretty sure George and I were after that point and Matt and convict were before that point (perhaps never to cross it?).

Anyway, George says to me (timidly), "I won't tell if you won't tell," (referring to our girlfriends) but later explains to me that he understands if I don't want to go (my face made that clear) because of my doctor's appointment. The thing is, he and I both didn't want to go, and he and I both were upset about being in a smokey bar (and now my only clean pair of jeans is smokey! I was going to wear those tomorrow to the doctor's!!), but I knew there was no way I could rescue him. His roommate was WAY too excited in order to appease the convict next to us. Oh, I should mention that his roommate was recently declared single since his girlfriend screwed one of the guys she works with. During the "affair" (in her own roommate's bed) he (my friend's roommate) walked in on them and beat the crap out of the guy she worked with. Apparently he messed up her roommate's room too, which caused the girlfriend's roommate to demand that the girlfriend move... It's all very dramatic.

So I head home after one beer (clearly I decided to use my doctor's excuse)... After one beer that I had to chug because they really wanted to go "see some titties" at an expensive BYOB strip club.

So I drove home (feeling a little bit of a headrush from that quick tall Blue Moon) and felt compelled to write this before getting to bed before the doctor's.

So hopefully I'll see George tomorrow for lunch and he can tell me about all the craziness. Poor guy.

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